|When I realized it, my notebook was filled with pictures of dying cats.
Why did I draw cats?
Let's think about yesterday.
In class, I was drawing with all my might.
A fire in a sealed room.
Lots of white pills.
A looped rope.
Whatever comes to mind I draw in my notebook one after another.
My usual calming work.
The more I become engrossed in it, the more methods I can think of.
The white margins of my notebook are filled in with more and more pictures.
uThe animal I'm most like is a cat.v
The group behind me talks happily.
uI took a test, and that's what it told me!v
Among that group, Age Hatori is the most cheerful.
Hm? Did she say something about being a cat?
Cats, cats, cats, cats, cats...
Ah, that's right.
While thinking such things, my hand was still drawing.
I always sit in the middle of the second row from the front. It's my own seat.
I realized that the group behind me was discussing me.
Of course, it was something negative; it was just that kind of thing.
I've started to like the pictures of dying cats, so I continue to draw them.
The people behind me are talking about me again.
Sometimes, they break out in laughter.
They laugh like I'm some sort of entertainment.
Even though I don't really care about it,
Today I complained to Edogawa Takeru about their conversation.
We ended up arguing about it.
"Edogawa Takeru is really quite irritating", I thought.
I blocked their following conversation from my brain.
Therefore I have no memories of it.
By the way, Edogawa Takeru seems to have feelings for Age Hatori.
He's very easy to read.
Age Hatori seems not to be aware of it.
Recently, those two seem to often be alone together.
Incidentally, I got a good look at that girl.
Somehow, she has a white sort of feeling about her.
The girl I mentioned before,
Today I met eyes with her.
Not knowing what to do, I reflexively smiled back.
The girl made a surprised expression, then quickly looked away.
I've started to find the pictures of dying cats fun, so I continue to draw them.
About the girl I mentioned before.
Apparently, her name is Irisu Kyouko.
I watched her, always alone, from afar.
Irisu Kyouko peeked at my notebook. Unabashedly.
Nobody else was in the classroom.
I left the notebook behind while using the restroom.
When I came back, that kind of scene was spread before me.
Reflexively hiding myself, I watched that Irisu Kyouko from the shadows.
Looking at a person's notebook without permission.
What a lovely girl.
I wait a little while.
I enter the classroom again.
Irisu Kyouko sat quietly as if nothing had happened.
About Irisu Kyouko.
However I can express it is fine.
I'm happy just watching her.
I thought that I'd like to be killed by her.
Lately, Irisu Kyouko has been always sitting near me.
I have a feeling.
I wonder if I'm thinking too much.
By "near", I mean that she's four empty seats away.
I wonder if there's any meaning to this gap.
I wish she'd sit closer to me.
Coming back to my seat, I noticed someone had gone through my notebook.
I wonder who was looking at it.
Though I wouldn't mind giving them another look.
As it continued to happen, I began to understand.
Whoever was habitually opening my notebook, they left traces.
They were on the pages with cats drawn on them.
I've started to draw more and more pictures of dying cats.
Certainly, there is someone waiting for my pictures.
To think that just because of that, my drawing would be this much more enjoyable.
Drawing pictures of cats became a part of everyday life.
When it reached the point that I was making dedicated notebooks, she had already seen ten.
Sunny days are passionate.
Rainy days are tinged with melancholy.
Windy days overflow with poetry.
I disperse cats' lives in various ways.
That girl is my own secret watcher.
I wonder if she's enjoying it?
I haven't yet had any conversation with Irisu Kyouko.
But, such things don't matter.
We have such dense communication between us.
I wanted to keep a diary of this one-sided exchange.
By the way, there seems to be a foreign picture book with a similar style to my cat drawings.
But when I started drawing them, I didn't know.
Moreover, the other one seems to have a rabbit theme.
Therefore, these notebooks are my own original works.
There was a girl who was feeling ill in the corridor.
The dizzy girl somehow reminded me of an anemic cat.
It was Age Hatori.
For the time being, I took her somewhere to rest.
That was a mistake.
In the classroom.
Irisu Kyouko four seats away.
I was spending that pleasant time like always when a voice called to me from behind.
What does he want?
Next to Edogawa Takeru is a broadly smiling Age Hatori.
Edogawa says something or other.
His voice is rather loud.
It must be nice to talk so easily.
I was thinking those things while listening.
I don't really remember what he said.
Somehow, though I don't really understand why,
Edogawa Takeru and Age Hatori started sitting close to me in class.
And somehow, though I don't really understand why, we started having conversations.
I didn't draw pictures of cats.
Age Hatori is strangely intimate with me.
Both physically and mentally.
For example, she gets really close to me.
At some point, she started calling me by my first name.
When I speak, my voice has a gentle tone to it.
I carefully choose my words to be meaningless.
If I do it this way, I seem to give off a feeling of being neither good nor bad.
It seems that through some mistake, I've attracted the kind of girl that likes this.
With the appearance of those two, my chances to show Irisu Kyouko my notebook have sharply decreased.
It's extremely troubling.
Age Hatori saw the cat pictures.
To think that she'd look at a person's notebook without permission.
Age Hatori acts like she's having a bit of fun.
On the inside, she's surely confused.
I carefully thought through my reply.
If she realized I was a bit of a "that" sort of person, would she stop trying to get close to me?
If that happened, then I could show Irisu Kyouko my illustrations again.
What should I do, to show her that I'm "that" sort of person?
I responded to Age Hatori.
"There's... no particular... meaning."
Edogawa Takeru and Age Hatori's opinions of me didn't really change.
Though I don't really understand why, Edogawa Takeru, Age Hatori, and I, us three are going to go on a trip.
I nodded in agreement to something Edogawa Takeru was saying about the place being suitable, and he seemed to leave it at that.
I don't really remember what place it was.
The trip is over.
Age Hatori stuck close to me the entire time.
Edogawa Takeru seemed to pay us more mind than usual.
But I just didn't understand what the whole point was.
Why did we purposefully tire ourselves out?
Doing nothing at home is much better.
I got a photo of the trip from Age Hatori.
What surprised me was that in the pictures, I looked happier than I expected.
Those two have started to actively speak to me.
I think it's strange.
Why do I care so much about being with people I barely know?
The hotter seasons eventually come around.
It's a matter of time before they think it's strange for me to always be wearing long sleeves.
It's not something small enough to hide with a watch.
And when those people realize it, I'll automatically be estranged from them.
Until that time, I'll let them misunderstand.
I enjoy being with them.
I can't find the photo from the trip.
Where did I put it?
I kept it between the pages of some notebook...
With the appearance of those two, my chances to show my notebook to Irisu Kyouko have almost disappeared.
I want to connect with her somehow.
To distract myself from these feelings, I consider reading Irisu Kyouko's notebook without permission.
Irisu Kyouko's notebook was very interesting.
She seems to have written up a nice "plan".
Irisu Kyouko seems to think we're going out. I like that.
But what impressed me the most was her strong love for rabbits.
She's a good, kind, animal-loving girl.
It seems that she hates cats.
And above all, it seemed that Irisu Kyouko really looks forward to my notebooks.
I'm very happy.
Also, her writings were filled with bitterness toward Edogawa Takeru and Age Hatori.
This revelation about her feelings for me made me very happy.
Concerning Irisu Kyouko's "plan."
To summarize, it's something like this:
Irisu Kyouko, Edogawa Takeru, Age Hatori, and I; us four go on a trip.
She carries out her happy little plan,
And she kills Edogawa Takeru and Age Hatori.
The plot is absurd, but I can feel her good tastes in choosing the names of real people.
Irisu Kyouko came,
To the place where Edogawa Takeru, Age Hatori, and I were sitting together.
Though Irisu Kyouko was a bit nervous,
Edogawa Takeru and Age Hatori treated her kindly.
I was pretending to be calm, but I couldn't control my heartbeat.
It wasn't only because this was the first time I had heard her voice.
I read about this development. In her diary.
The number of us sitting together increased to four.
It was bliss to be together with Irisu Kyouko.
If possible I wanted to be alone with her and ask her all sorts of questions,
But I didn't have the courage to suggest such a thing.
There's no doubt about it.
The "plan" in Irisu Kyouko's notebook is tied to reality.
Age Hatori's birthday.
A four-person trip.
A secret surprise party.
The events from Irisu Kyouko's "plan" one-by-one become reality.
They were not decided by the leadership or proactive proposals of Irisu Kyouko.
Rather, Irisu Kyouko's reserved words skillfully and progressively controlled their ideas.
Irisu Kyouko approaching us in the library was the beginning of her "plan".
The real world will faithfully follow her "plan's" progression.
I thought about it a bit.
Suppose that plan was serious,
What happens once it's completed?
Irisu Kyouko and I, it'll just be the two of us.
In that case, there's nothing to worry about.
No, that's no good.
This plan's no good, Irisu Kyouko.
Let's say you succeeded in killing two people.
And let's say through various other tricks, you erased the evidence that you had come with us on the trip.
After that, what would I say to the police?
I thought about it some more.
Is there no way for Irisu Kyouko to change her target to me?
Irisu Kyouko killing me.
That's an attractive Happy Ending.
You could say it's my ideal.
It would be perfect if Irisu Kyouko would go together with me, but I'd expect that's asking too much.
Her plans for the trip are progressing steadily.
Irisu Kyouko's bunny ear costume was wonderful.
Strangely, Age Hatori and I are alone together.
Age Hatori persistently complains about my cat notebooks.
I've been imitating a foreign picture book.
I tried to convince her of that.
"In that case, draw rabbits like in the original!"
I drew lots of pictures of dying rabbits.
I drew lots of pictures of dying rabbits.
I drew lots and lots of pictures of dying rabbits.
Age Hatori gave me a truly great idea.
Why didn't I realize it sooner?
Considering Irisu Kyouko's love of rabbits, isn't the answer clear?
If I draw pictures of rabbits in my notebook.
If Irisu Kyouko, during her "plan," sees that notebook.
What would Irisu Kyouko do to me?
I'm excited just by imagining it.
I draw more and more pictures of rabbits dying.
But, I think to myself.
Isn't this a rather indirect and roundabout method?
I remember the rabbit picture books from somewhere.
I'm looking forward to the day of the trip and my Happy Ending.
Three days until the trip.
Two days until the trip.
This is the final addition to the rabbit drawings.
I remember a story from a while ago.
My chest hurts.
Sharply, violently hurts.
The trip is tomorrow.
I'll sleep now.
(Here, pages have been torn out.)
In a dream, silent red eyes seemed to be accusing me of something.
I can't get that vision out of my mind.
We're about to leave.
I want to write down how I feel at this moment.
About Edogawa Takeru and Age Hatori.
Age Hatori embraced me with affection.
Edogawa Takeru led her to my side.
If they knew the reason I hide my wrists,
I wonder what kind of reaction they'd have?
Would they treat me the same way as they've always done?
They probably would. Because they're idiots.
Age Hatori would become worried or angry like usual.
Even though she's airheaded enough to mistake tigers for cats.
Edogawa Takeru, being incapable of distrusting someone else,
he'd listen warmly, regardless of what I say, and still be kind towards me.
While I was thinking that,
I thought that maybe getting Edogawa Takeru and Age Hatori involved in my plan wasn't the best idea.
I can say that it was a mistake for Age Hatori to like me.
Edogawa Takeru and Age Hatori.
However you look at it, they're the better pairing.
If our situation could become a bit different, wouldn't the four of us end up happily?
If by some means Irisu Kyouko's plan ends in a complete failure-
I thought that just trying it wouldn't be so bad.
I can fix the disordered ties between us.
I can try to change this small world.
And then, finally, I can destroy my past.
And if I succeed... then, I could search for a better future.
Well, something like that.
With that, we're leaving.
If that's the case, isn't this trip unnecessary?
Even now I can start changing the world.
For the sake of preventing Irisu Kyouko's plan, I should push some reason or other to stop the trip--
Too much trouble.